Sunballs: a parody
by Evil Bob
Summary: Evil Bob is bitten by the parody bug, and after a bit of a misunderstanding as to just where the characters are from, the parody of spaceballs is born.
1. Casting and comments

Disclaimer: Evil Bob does not own Golden Sun or Spaceballs.  
  
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++  
  
[The GS characters are lounging around in a conveniently provided Plot room. (Sort of like a plot hole, except that it doesn't go anywhere and mainly serves as a place to hold stuff.) A real plot hole opens, and Evil Bob falls through.]  
  
EB: Stupid Thalia.. Can't you open a plot hole somewhere other than under my feet?  
  
Isaac: Oh great, what are YOU doing here?  
  
EB: As you have probably guessed by the title, we are doing a parody. Now. Fanfare!  
  
[Music: Fanfare]  
  
EB: We will be parodying. [Dramatic pose] Golden Sun!  
  
Sheba: Moron! We ARE Golden Sun! How can we parody ourselves!  
  
EB: Technically, you are characters from Golden Sun, but your point is valid. hmm. [Evil Bob paces the room for a while]  
  
EB: I have it! We shall parody. Spaceballs!  
  
Cast: [obligatory parody-beginning groan]  
  
============Cast list complete with character comments in parenthesis========== Lone Star: Isaac (I get to be the main character? Cool.)  
  
Princess Vespa: Mia (I refuse to take part in any Mudshpping whatsoever)  
  
Dark Helmet: Ivan (Short is powerful. and evil)  
  
Colonel Sanders: Picard (I. Am. Not. Peirs.)  
  
Barf: Garet (wait, half man. half dog.. How is that possible?)  
  
King Roland: Hammet (I am a minor character. I have nothing to say)  
  
Prince Valium: Garet's Brother A.K.A. Bernard (I get to be a prince? Take that Garet!)  
  
President Scroobe: Felix (I will not say the "ass" line)  
  
That Priest guy: Sheba (I get to say funny stuff.)  
  
Yogurt: Kraden (Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah.)  
  
Dot Matrix: Jenna (That Mia better stay away from Isaac.)  
  
Vinny: Also Sheba (I get this role too? Sweet.)  
  
Commanderette whatsherface: Feizhi (Huh?)  
  
Charlene: Karst (Flame burn kill etc.)  
  
Marlene: Menardi (Burn kill flame etc.)  
  
Sheba as many other minor characters  
  
Phillip and Major Asshole as themselves.  
  
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ On to the insanity! 


	2. The terror of coffee and jupiter adepts

In the beginning..  
  
[Words on screen]  
  
A very very very very very very very very very very long time ago. Ahh screw it!  
  
Princess Mia of the planet Imil is about to wed that unbelievable bore Bernard. So now we have to do something about it, or else the plot would be more ruined than it is already. Forget it. Cue the ship thingy.  
  
If you can read this, you don't need reveal. [End words on screen]  
  
[The ship, moves slowly across the screen. It is the dreaded "Spaceball Won" and the symbol of that dreaded dork of the galaxy, Ivan Helmet. Spray- painted somewhere on the ship are the words "Ivan is a wiener, signed Felix" This is not part of the plot. This is all Felix's fault. This will all be very important later. At the back of the spaceship is a bumper sticker saying, "We cast 'halt' for nobody"]  
  
[Scene: Spaceball Won main deck.]  
  
Sheba as Spaceball soldier: Sir!  
  
Picard: What is it, ensign?  
  
Sheba: You told me to let you know the moment Planet Imil was in sight sir. Wait, "ensign"?  
  
Picard: This is a ship. You get called ensign.  
  
Sheba: Anyway, on with the parody.  
  
Picard: ::sigh:: so?  
  
Sheba: Planet Imil is in sight sir!  
  
Picard: Oh, I'll notify lord Ivan immediately!  
  
Sheba: I already did so.  
  
Loudspeaker voice: All rise, in the presence of Ivan Helmet!  
  
[The door slides open ominously. A short figure is standing there, wearing a black suit, cape and sporting a ridiculous helmet. He is also wearing a silver-lined black tie. He starts walking toward Picard and Sheba with an evil-sounding clomping sound. He reaches them, and we can hear his rasping breath. Suddenly, the mask slides up, revealing Ivan looking very hot (temperature wise, morons) and gasping. He is wearing big "dork" glasses]  
  
Ivan: I can't breathe in this thing!  
  
Picard: Planet Imil is in sight sir!  
  
Ivan: Good. I'll notify President Felix at once.  
  
Sheba: I've already done so, sir!  
  
Ivan: You went over my helmet?  
  
Sheba: Not over! More like, around! Oh shit.  
  
[Ivan takes out a ring and puts it on his finger]  
  
Sheba: [sweet voice] You wouldn't do anything to hurt me, would you Ivan?  
  
Ivan: Crap. You know I can't resist the "innocent" look!  
  
Sheba: [smiling in an evil manner] I know.  
  
Picard: Let's just pretend you're in pain so we can move on, all right?  
  
Ivan and Sheba: All right.  
  
[Sheba lets out a screech of pain and is escorted from the room by some random Spaceball soldiers]  
  
Ivan: So. Where is it?  
  
Picard: Where's what?  
  
Ivan: Planet Imil, you moron!  
  
Picard: We don't have visual contact, so we can't see it except on. Ray-da? Is that how you say it?  
  
Loudspeaker: It's Ray-dar.  
  
Picard: Oh.  
  
Ivan: Show me.  
  
Picard: Show you what?  
  
Ivan: [yelling] Planet Imil!  
  
Picard: Oh. Right this way.  
  
[Picard leads Ivan to a machine. We can see some sort of machinery on the screen. There is a lot of churning and bubbling]  
  
Ivan: What's with all this churning and bubbling? You call this radar?  
  
Picard: No. We call it: Mr.Coffee!  
  
[He backs up and the camera expands to include the writing on top of the machine, which says, surprise surprise "Mr. Coffee"]  
  
Ivan: Coffee! Gimmee!  
  
[Picard wisely jumps out of the way as Ivan drinks the whole pot of coffee in one gulp and goes on a coffee-induced rampage, nearly destroying the ship, and definitely bringing this chapter to a premature end] 


	3. The dreaded SEF the hut!

Chapter 2: A not-so-successful wedding.  
  
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++  
  
[Outside of the chapel we see a sign that says: Today, the marriage of princess Mia to Prince Bernard. Tomorrow: Tolbi coin toss] [Cut to: inside chapel] [Organ music]  
  
Mia: I don't wanna marry that freak!  
  
Hammet: tough. Is everyone ready?  
  
Mia: NO! Where's Jenna?  
  
Sheba as usher: crap! Jenna? JENNA?  
  
[Jenna staggers in]  
  
Jenna: Stupid costume!  
  
Hammet: Shut up! We don't have time for this!  
  
[The group begins walking down the aisle. At the alter, we can see Sheba, who is no longer the usher, and now the priest guy (Sheba: grrrr) I mean girl, and Bernard, who is obviously enjoying this. The group reaches the alter, and Mia throws Bernard a look of pure hatred.]  
  
Sheba: Dearly beloved-  
  
Mia: Fat chance.  
  
Bernard: Why? I love you Mia!  
  
Mia: You're just saying that to bug your brother.  
  
Bernard: Oh yeah.  
  
Sheba: Ahem?  
  
Bernard: Sorry  
  
Mia: Sorry  
  
Sheba: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today, to witness Princess Mia, daughter of Mia's Dad, punching Bernard in the face-  
  
Bernard: OW!  
  
Sheba: -and running right past the alter, down the aisle and out the door! And to see Jenna following her.  
  
[Scene: outside]  
  
Jenna: but-  
  
Mia: no  
  
Jenna: but-  
  
Mia: no  
  
Jenna: but-  
  
Mia: no  
  
Jenna: but-  
  
Mia: no  
  
[At this point, they reach a flying ship, and get inside it at once. The rest of the people attending the wedding come outside just to see it take off.]  
  
[Scene: inside the ship]  
  
Jenna: As I was saying, you forgot to get married.  
  
Mia: I will get married, as soon as I find someone who isn't Bernard.  
  
Jenna: You better not touch my Isaac!  
  
Mia: That loser? No way.  
  
Jenna: WHAT DID YOU SAY?  
  
Mia: ::gulp::  
  
[This is the point where it would be dangerous for us to stay inside the ship, as there is about to be a very big fireball. Therefore, we will cut to-]  
  
[Scene: Isaac's ship, the Ragnarok 5, It looks a lot like a covered wagon, and there is a bumper sticker on it saying: "I (heart symbol) Uranus" we can hear the band "Weyard for dummies" playing very loudly]  
  
Isaac: Garet! [Waits a few seconds] Garet! [Waits some more] GARET!  
  
[Scene: back area. Garet is eating, and listening to loud music]  
  
Isaac: GARET!  
  
Garet: huh?  
  
Isaac: Get in here, you moron!  
  
Garet: Always when I'm eating!  
  
[Garet turns down the music and walks into the front area. He is wearing a dog tail and dog-ears. He has patches of fur on his face and shoes]  
  
Garet: What is it boss?  
  
Isaac: We got a phone call. Answer it.  
  
Garet: I'll turn on the audio only, so they won't see how ugly you are in that cowboy hat.  
  
Isaac: Shut up.  
  
[Garet flips the "video on" switch. The screen lights up, showing: Vinny, as played by Sheba]  
  
Sheba: Isaac! Haven't seen you in a while!  
  
Isaac: ha. Ha. What is it Sheba?  
  
Sheba: Yeah, eerm. . . HE wants to have a word with you.  
  
[The screen pans over to show: Stat. enhancing food the hut!]  
  
Stat. enhancing food the hut: Isaac! Where's my money?  
  
Isaac: Don't worry stat enhancing food! You'll get it by next week!  
  
SEFH: No, no, I gotta have it by tomorrow!  
  
Isaac: Tomorrow? 100,000 gold by tomorrow?  
  
SEFH: no, that's forgetting late fees! It comes to. . . let's see. . . 1 million gold!  
  
Isaac: Oh shit.  
  
SEFH: And if you don't have it. . .  
  
[the screen shows "Vinny" again]  
  
Sheba: If you don't have it. . . SEFH is going to buy YOU!  
  
Isaac: That was funnier in the move.  
  
Sheba: Yeah, it was.  
  
[The call ends, and the phone rings again. This time it is King Hammet.]  
  
Hammet: Isaac! You gotta save Mia! She's getting chased by Spaceballs!  
  
Isaac: No way. I'm already numero uno on Ivan's hit list, after the hair gel incident.  
  
Hammet: You gotta save her! I'll give you 100,000 gold!  
  
Garet: We might do it. Where can we find her?  
  
Hammet: She's driving Babi's old ship, with Jenna.  
  
Isaac: Jenna? Hmm. . . up it to one million gold and you got a deal!  
  
Hammet: A million? You gotta be kidding me.  
  
Garet: Sorry. He's not. Isaac doesn't talk enough to joke around.  
  
Hammet: Fine. Just do something right now!  
  
[Cut to: Spaceball city, Scroobe's office]  
  
[Felix is talking on the phone.]  
  
Felix: As president of this planet, I can assure both you and your viewers that WE'RE DOOMED! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! Goodbye. [Click]  
  
[The wall suddenly lights up with a picture of Feizhi in a military uniform.]  
  
Feizhi: Felix!  
  
Felix: Gah! What is it Feizhi?  
  
Feizhi: Ivan called. He's about to catch Princess Mia.  
  
Felix: Good.  
  
Feizhi: Do you want to come and watch?  
  
Felix: Sure. I'll be right there.  
  
Feizhi: Should I have Alex teleport you down?  
  
Felix: I don't know. Are you sure that stuff is safe?  
  
Feizhi: It's perfectly safe.  
  
Felix: Fine. What the hell, it worked in the game. . .  
  
[Felix steps on to a "teleport platform" He is suddenly teleported, Alex style into the Command room. His head is on backwards.]  
  
Feizhi: Holy crap! What happened to his head?  
  
Alex: It's on backwards!  
  
Felix: . . .  
  
Feizhi: um, Felix, this is your line.  
  
Felix: I. Will. Not. Say. That. Line.  
  
Alex: Whatever. Teleporting back now.  
  
[Felix teleports into his office again.]  
  
Feizhi: [on wall] Are you ok?  
  
Felix: I'm fine.  
  
Feizhi: I'll have Alex try again, sir.  
  
Felix: No. Way. In. Hell. This time I'm walking.  
  
[Felix walks through a door in his office and right into the command room.]  
  
[Feizhi points at a radar screen, where we can see Spaceball won closing in on Her Majesty's Flying ship.]  
  
Felix: Excellent. . . 


	4. But I like Jam!

Chapter 3: But I like Jam! +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++  
  
[The dreaded Spaceball Won is pursuing HMFS (That's "her majesty's flying ship", for those of you who were too stupid to guess.) On the main deck, Ivan is preparing to capture princess Mia.]  
  
Picard: The Princess will be in range in about 5 seconds, sir.  
  
Ivan: Excellent. Fire a warning shot, across her nose!  
  
[Cut to: space]  
  
[Spaceball Won opens fire on HMFS. The laser blasts barely miss the ship, and are coming a little too close, even for a warning shot.]  
  
[Cut to: Interior of HMFS]  
  
Mia: What the hell is that?  
  
Jenna: Someone is trying to kill us!  
  
Mia: Duh!  
  
[Cut to: Spaceball Won, main deck]  
  
Ivan: Stop! I said across her nose, not UP it!  
  
Phil: Sorry sir.  
  
Ivan: Who made that man a gunner?  
  
Random Major: I did, sir! He's my cousin!  
  
Ivan: Who is he?  
  
Picard: He's an asshole sir.  
  
Ivan: I know that! What's his name!  
  
Picard: That IS his name. Asshole. Major Asshole.  
  
Ivan: And his cousin?  
  
Picard: He's an asshole too. Private, first class Phillip Asshole.  
  
Ivan: How many Assholes do I have on this ship?  
  
[The entire crew, except for Ivan and Picard stands up and yells-  
  
Crew: Yo!  
  
-They sit back down. Ivan looks stunned.]  
  
Ivan: I knew it! I'm surrounded by Assholes!  
  
[His mask slams down]  
  
Ivan: Keep firing, Assholes!  
  
[Cut to: Ragnarok 5]  
  
[Through the window, we can see Spaceball Won fire a magnetic beam at HMFS. It latches on and begins to draw it in.]  
  
Isaac: Crap! We're too late. They've already got a magnetic beam on her! I'll just turn us around and we'll get out of here!  
  
Garet: Jenna is on that ship too, you know.  
  
Isaac: Good point.  
  
Garet: The only problem is that as soon as we go in there, they'll spot us on radar!  
  
Isaac: Not if we Jam it!  
  
Garet: But I like jam! Use the jelly instead!  
  
Isaac: Um. . . sure.  
  
[Cut to: Spaceball Won radar]  
  
[We see a giant jar fly towards the radar dish. It has the word "Jam" written on it, but it was scratched out and "Jelly" was written on hastily. The jar smashes into the radar, and spills Jelly all over the place.]  
  
[Cut to: Spaceball Won main deck]  
  
[We see the radar person (Played by Sheba). The screen goes fuzzy.]  
  
Sheba: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhit.  
  
[She picks up the intercom]  
  
Sheba: [intercom voice] Sir!  
  
Ivan: What?  
  
Sheba: [still intercom voice] Can you come over here? Sir?  
  
Ivan: Fine.  
  
[Ivan and Picard walk over to stand next to Sheba.]  
  
Ivan: What is it?  
  
Sheba: [still using the intercom] We're having trouble with the radar, sir.  
  
Picard: You don't need that, private, we're right here. [Hangs up the intercom.]  
  
Sheba: [without intercom, but still intercom voice] We're having trouble with the radar sir.  
  
[Ivan rips out the intercom and throws it across the room]  
  
Sheba: [normal voice] We're having trouble with the radar, sir.  
  
Picard: I guessed. What's the problem?  
  
Sheba: Well, I've lost the bleeps, the sweeps, and I've lost the creeps!  
  
Ivan: The what?  
  
Picard: The what?  
  
Ivan: And the what?  
  
Sheba: You know. . . the bleeps: [bleep sound], the sweeps: [sweep sound] and the creeps: [creep sound]  
  
Ivan: That's not all she's lost.  
  
Sheba: Ahem.  
  
Ivan: How could you have heard that?  
  
Sheba: I didn't.  
  
Ivan: Stupid mind-read.  
  
Sheba: It's the radar, sir. It appears to be. . . jammed. . . er. . . jellied.  
  
Ivan: Jellied, eh?  
  
[Ivan tastes the jelly that is now crawling down the radar screen.]  
  
Ivan: Raspberry. . . only one man would DARE give me the raspberry. . .  
  
[Ivan begins stepping towards the camera, giving a zoom-in effect]  
  
Ivan: ISAAC!  
  
[Ivan crashes into the camera, and falls out flat. The rest of the crew pay no attention.]  
  
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Hit the pretty button and review! 


	5. Ludicrous speed!

Hello again.  
  
It's time for another chapter. Joy.  
  
Chapter 4: Her royal highness's inventory.  
  
[Scene: Inside HMFS. Mia and Jenna are panicking because they are about to be captured by Spaceballs, and that would totally wreck their hair. We hear a knock at the hatch-thing. It opens to reveal Garet.]  
  
Garet: Hi!  
  
Mia: GARET! You've saved us!  
  
Garet: Calm down Mia, it was Isaac's idea.  
  
Jenna: Isaac thought of this brilliant plan? [a little sarcastic]  
  
Garet: [not noticing] yep!  
  
Jenna: ::sigh:: we'd better get going.  
  
[Garet, Jenna and Mia leave the ship and start climbing up into the wagon. Mia remembers something she forgot and sends Garet to get it.]  
  
[Scene: Interior of Ragnarok 5]  
  
[Mia and Jenna are standing at the hatch, laughing at something. Garet climbs out, carrying a stack of items that is almost as big as he is. It contains mostly useless items (wooden sticks)]  
  
Isaac: What on Venus is that?  
  
Garet: [something in his mouth] MMMFFF HRGF MFF HRGFFFF  
  
Isaac: What?  
  
[Garet spits out a wooden stick]  
  
Garet: Her Royal highness's inventory!  
  
Isaac: No. Way. Mia's being a jerk again, isn't she?  
  
Garet: Yep. And we can't do anything about it.  
  
Isaac: Why not?  
  
Garet: Because Ivan's about to catch us!  
  
[Isaac looks in the rearview mirror and sees the Spaceball Won about to catch up.]  
  
Isaac: Crap! Go to hyperactive!  
  
[Scene: Spaceball Won]  
  
Picard: We'll have them in about thirty seconds, sir.  
  
Ivan: Excellent.  
  
Picard: Ten-nine-eight-seven-six-five-four-three-two-one. . .  
  
[The wagon goes into hyperactive and zooms away.]  
  
Picard: CRAP! They must have hyperjets on that thing!  
  
Ivan: And what do we have on this thing, a wooden spoon?  
  
Picard: No sir! Prepare ship for light speed!  
  
Ivan: No no, that's too slow. We have to go to [dramatic pause] Ludicrous Speed!  
  
Picard: Ludicrous speed? I don't know if this ship can take it!  
  
Ivan: Of course it can. Get going!  
  
Picard: Pre-prepare ship for Ludicrous speed! Fasten all seatbelts, secure all animals in the zoo, cancel the three ring circus, close all-  
  
Ivan: Gimme that!  
  
[Ivan grabs the microphone. Picard sits down and buckles himself in.]  
  
Ivan: Ludicrous speed, GO!  
  
[The ship goes to Ludicrous speed. Ivan flies backwards, but hangs on to the control console for dear life]  
  
Ivan: Stop this thing! It's too fast! We've passed them!  
  
Picard: We can't stop. We have to slow down first.  
  
Ivan: Why?  
  
Picard: I taped the "b" button down!  
  
Ivan: Somehow stop this thing!  
  
[Picard reaches for the "emergency stop, never use" switch. He yanks it, and the ship stops. Ivan goes flying forward and slams into one of the control consoles. Picard runs over to help him out.]  
  
Picard: Ivan, are you okay?  
  
[Ivan has a squished helmet and broken glasses.]  
  
Ivan: Fine, how bout you?  
  
Picard: I'm fine. Now what?  
  
Ivan: Why don't we take a five-minute break?  
  
Picard: Fine.  
  
[Ivan topples to the floor.]  
  
REVIEW! 


	6. Preparing to prepare to

Chapter 6: Five minutes later.  
  
[Spaceball Won main deck. Ivan is back to before-ludicrous speed shape.]  
  
Ivan: Well, we lost Isaac, but at least we still caught Mia.  
  
Picard: Right sir.  
  
Ivan: What cell is she in?  
  
Picard: None, she is actually still in her ship.  
  
Ivan: What moron did that?  
  
Picard: Well, most of us are a little afraid of being frozen.  
  
Ivan: Do I have to do everything myself? Let's go.  
  
Picard: Very good sir.  
  
[Scene: docking bay thing. HMFS is in the middle of the room, surrounded by soldiers. Ivan and Picard walk in.]  
  
Ivan: So Princess Mia, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of Planet Spaceball! Well, you were wrong. You will be held hostage until such time as this parody comes to an end. Or until the script says to let you go.  
  
[Ivan opens the hatchway and looks inside]  
  
Ivan: What! She's gone!  
  
Picard: What?  
  
Ivan: She's not in there!  
  
Soldiers: It's not our fault!  
  
Ivan: Isaac must have rescued her!  
  
Picard: Duh.  
  
Ivan: hmm. . . We must find them. Get me the DVD special edition of Sunballs: The Parody!  
  
[Scene: Ragnarok 5, interior]  
  
Isaac: Ha! They must have overshot us by a week and a half!  
  
Garet: That's my line.  
  
Isaac: Whatever. Take us out of lightspeed.  
  
Garet: Slowing down.  
  
Isaac: Good. Let's set a course for Imil!  
  
Garet: Setting a course for- Gah! We're out of gas!  
  
Isaac: Can we land somewhere close by?  
  
Garet: Well, we COULD land in the Lamakan Desert, but without Ivan or Sheba-  
  
Isaac: Do it!  
  
Garet: But-  
  
Isaac: We don't have time! Land!  
  
[Scene: Lamakan Desert. Isaac, Garet, Mia and Jenna are sitting around a pool of water on beach chairs and have drinks with little umbrellas in them.]  
  
Isaac: Why didn't we think of this the first time around?  
  
Mia: I don't know. I COULD cast douse then.  
  
Garet: It was a plot point. Without Ivan learning reveal, the game would have been all messed up.  
  
Mia: Good point.  
  
[Scene: Spaceball Won DVD watching area. Ivan puts the Sunballs: The Parody special edition DVD in the DVD player.]  
  
Picard: How can we have the DVD if we aren't done with the parody yet?  
  
Ivan: It's the newest in video technology: Instant special edition DVDs. You have the DVD before you are even done with the parody.  
  
Picard: Oh.  
  
[Ivan turns to the guy operating the controls]  
  
Ivan: Ok, start the DVD.  
  
Private: Yes sir.  
  
[The guy hits the play button. The words at the beginning come up on the screen]  
  
Ivan: No no, go faster.  
  
[The guy fast forwards. It is showing the ludicrous speed scene in fast forward.]  
  
Ivan: No, past this part. In fact, never show this again.  
  
[The guy keeps going]  
  
Picard: Try here.  
  
[The fast forwarding stops. The screen is showing the exact same moment in the movie that they are at now.]  
  
Ivan: What the heck is this? When does this happen in the DVD?  
  
Picard: Now sir.  
  
Ivan: What?  
  
Picard: Now. We're watching now. Everything that happens now, is happening NOW.  
  
[Picard points at the screen.]  
  
Ivan: What?  
  
[The guy is fast forwarding again. He stops, revealing Mia and Co. in Lamakan Desert.]  
  
Picard: There they are. Prepare to prepare to set a course for Lamakan desert.  
  
Guy: Preparing to prepare to set a course.  
  
Picard: Prepare to set a course for Lamakan desert.  
  
Guy: Preparing to set a course for Lamakan desert.  
  
Picard: Set a course for Lamakan desert!  
  
Guy: Setting a course!  
  
[Scene: Lamakan desert. The dink-dinks, as played by the Djinni, show up at Mia's oasis.]  
  
Flint: Wait, this isn't supposed to happen!  
  
Forge: So? I kind of like this place. . .  
  
Gust: I don't mind, but. . .  
  
Mist: Yeah Flint, stop complaining.  
  
Flint: Look Forge, just because you like the heat, and Gust can find oases for himself, and Mist can cast douse, doesn't mean that we like it.  
  
Mist: Shut up. Anyway, we have to take these guys back to Kraden.  
  
Forge: Who wants to go to see Kraden?  
  
Mia: Um. . . You guys can't talk.  
  
Flint: oops, I mean "Dink Dink Dink!"  
  
Forge: Dink!  
  
[Scene: End of chapter]  
  
Thalia: Hey, since when is that a scene?  
  
Shut up.  
  
Thalia: Whatever. REVIEW! 


	7. Holy friggin'

Well, I'm back from the dead. Actually, I wasn't dead. More like "mortally wounded" Come to think of it, I wasn't really wounded either. Whatever. It's time for an update! Yay!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Golden Sun or Jesus. Any of you who are offended by him in this story should flame my @$$. Seriously, I don't mean to offend anyone here. If you don't want to read satire with Jesus, skip to the next chapter. You probably already saw the movie, so you know what's going to happen. I promise that Jesus will not come back to this fic.  
  
Chapter 7: Holy freakin' crap!  
  
[Ivan Helmet and Picard are in desert clothing and standing in a landspeeder thingy. Helmet is looking around with binoculars.]  
  
Ivan: I don't seeee them.  
  
Picard: Of course not. We already searched this area.  
  
Ivan: So why haven't we moved on yet?  
  
Picard: We're about to. [To pilot] Prepare to move out?  
  
Ivan: Prepare this! Prepare that! Why are you always preparing? Just GO!  
  
Picard: Shouldn't you sit down?  
  
[The landspeeder tales off, and Ivan falls back into his seat.]  
  
[Scene: Sol Sanctum]  
  
Isaac: Ahh, good old sol sanctum.  
  
Mia: Isaac, we're not supposed to know where this is!  
  
Garet: Right.  
  
Isaac: Sorry.  
  
Mia: Ahem. What is this place?  
  
Garet: It looks like the temple of doom.  
  
Jenna: Well, it sure ain't Temple Beth Israel.  
  
[The Djinni disappear into the structure]  
  
Isaac: Well, come on. We should follow them.  
  
[They do.]  
  
Garet: Duh.  
  
Isaac: Holy Crap!  
  
[Isaac is responding to the big statue of Kraden standing in front of them]  
  
Kraden's disembodied and amplified voice [KDAV]:Silence!  
  
[Impressive steam and flame effects]  
  
KDAV: OW! You [expletive deleted]'s! That was my LEG!  
  
Forge: Sorry.  
  
KDAV: Screw you all!  
  
Isaac: What's up with Kraden?  
  
Jenna: Who knows?  
  
KDAV: THAT FRIGGIN HURTS! STOP IT!  
  
[Kraden, his pants on fire, runs out of the foot of the statue. Mist quickly casts douse on him, putting out his pants.]  
  
Kraden: A whole lotta help YOU turned out to be, Forge.  
  
Forge: You wanted fire effects, you got fire effects.  
  
Kraden: I meant on the statue's pants, not mine.  
  
Forge: Sue me.  
  
Kraden: Hey, that's a good idea!  
  
[Kraden pulls out his Lawyer-summoner ™ and summons a lawyer. Kraden, the lawyer and Forge exit]  
  
Isaac: This sucks.  
  
Jesus: Yep. This really sucks. More than the fourteenth century.  
  
Jenna: Who the hell are you?  
  
Jesus: You have two guesses.  
  
Isaac: You're... Ivan in disguise!  
  
Jesus: Nope!  
  
Jenna: You're an adept, probably someone's long-lost sibling.  
  
Jesus: Nope! Wrong again! Your baby is Mine! [evil laugh]  
  
Jenna: What baby?  
  
Jesus: You know, THE baby.  
  
[The entire cast gives him puzzled looks]  
  
Jesus: Oh crap. You mean this isn't the heavenly version of Rumplestiltskin?  
  
Isaac: What?  
  
Jesus: Darn. Got it wrong again. Sorry to bother you all. I'll just be going now.  
  
[Jesus disappears]  
  
Isaac: That was weird.  
  
[Yes, it was]  
  
Jenna: Now what?  
  
[We're going to skip the yogurt parts. We'll do the "comb the desert" next time, then skip to Isaac chasing Spaceball Won.]  
  
Mia: Why? I love the whole "Merchandising" speech.  
  
[Kraden is a little busy. We'll come back to it later.]  
  
Garet: OK.  
  
[Glad you all agree. Let's go.]  
  
Isaac: I'm not sure about this...  
  
[Scene: End of chapter]  
  
Thalia: I'm pretty sure that's not a scene.  
  
I like it anyway.  
  
Thalia: Whatever. What threat are we going to use on reviewers today?  
  
Hmm.... How about...  
  
Thalia: updating?  
  
Yeah, that's it. Do your job...  
  
Thalia: Review, or he'll never update again! 


	8. Interlude: Objection, your Sliminess!

Interlude: I object, your sliminess.  
  
[A courtroom. Kraden and generic lawyer 1 (GL1) are sitting at the prosecutor's table thing. Forge and GL2 are sitting at the defendant's table. The judge is... The Kraken! The rest of the cast is in the audience.]  
  
GL1: Your sliminess, this is a clear case of arson. My client clearly stated that-  
  
Kraken: This court will take a recess for three hundred years.  
  
GL2: But your sliminess! We'll be dead by then!  
  
Kraken: Did I say three hundred years? I meant two days.  
  
Forge: Fine by me.  
  
[Two days later]  
  
Kraken: This court will reconvene.  
  
Bob the bailiff: All rise in the presence of his sliminess the Kraken!  
  
[Everyone stands up]  
  
Kraken: ...  
  
Bob: Okay, you all can sit down now.  
  
[No one moves]  
  
Kraken: SIT DOWN!  
  
[Everyone sits down]  
  
Kraken: Good. Prosecutor, make your case.  
  
GL1: I would like to present as evidence: Kraden's Pants!  
  
[Bob brings out Kraden's burnt pants]  
  
Kraken: Your point?  
  
GL1: What point? I just wanted to torture you all by making you look at Kraden's pants.  
  
GL2: Objection, your sliminess!  
  
Kraken: Overruled!  
  
GL2: Why?  
  
Kraden: Yeah. It's a perfectly good objection. Even I don't want to look at my pants!  
  
Kraken: I just like to say 'overruled'.  
  
GL1: Bwahahahahahaha!  
  
Kraken: The court will take a recess!  
  
[Several days later]  
  
GL1: I call as a witness to the stand, Kraden.  
  
GL2: 'witness to the stand?'  
  
GL1: Shut up.  
  
[Kraden goes to the witness stand]  
  
GL1: Kraden, could you tell us what happened on the night of the incident?  
  
Kraden: Which night was that?  
  
Forge: It was Stardate 3.141529-  
  
Everyone except Forge and Kraden: SHUT UP!  
  
Forge: Why?  
  
Kraken: Stardate Pi will do.  
  
Kraden: Oh, then.  
  
GL1: Answer the question already!  
  
Kraden: I was acting in the parody of Spaceballs, and Forge set my pants on fire.  
  
GL1: Are you sure it was Forge?  
  
Kraden: Yes.  
  
GL1: I rest my case.  
  
Kraken: Very well. GL2, do you have any questions for the witness?  
  
GL2: As a matter of fact, I do, your sliminess.  
  
Kraken: Ask away.  
  
GL2: Why did Forge set your pants on fire?  
  
Kraden: He/she/it was trying to do some fire special effects for my dramatic entrance.  
  
GL2: Did you ask him to do that?  
  
Kraden: Yes.  
  
GL2: What were your exact rules?  
  
Kraden: I don't recall.  
  
GL2: I'm pretty sure you do. Can you think again?  
  
Kraden: Can you light my pants on fire for my dramatic entrance?  
  
Forge: With pleasure.  
  
[Kraden's pants burst into flame]  
  
GL2: Your sliminess, I think that we can agree that this is a simple problem of Kraden not understanding his instructions. I rest my case.  
  
Kraken: Hmm. I will give you the verdict now. But first...[dramatic pause]... The court shall take a recess.  
  
[A few days later]  
  
Kraken: I have come to a verdict.  
  
GL2: Well, your sliminess?  
  
Kraken: I toss this case out of the court for being stupid and holding up one of my favorite fanfics!  
  
[The Kraken picks everyone up and literally tosses them out of the courthouse. The end. For now.]  
  
Thalia: That was most certainly odd.  
  
Yes, it was.  
  
Thalia: Next time, stick to the fanfic. People won't necessarily want to read this.  
  
But it's funny!  
  
Thalia: Let the muse of comedy decide that, OK?  
  
Shut up.  
  
Thalia: No. REVIEW! 


	9. Lack of Moichandising

Thalia: Well, we're back.  
  
Yep.  
  
Thalia: Hey, I'm talking.  
  
I don't particularly care.  
  
Thalia: Don't make me call the muse of fanfiction updating.  
  
Meep.  
  
Thalia: I thought so.  
  
Just do the disclaimer  
  
Thalia: If Evil Bob owns any of this, I'm the Queen of England.  
  
Sunballs: Part 9- Lack of Moichandising, lack of Moichandising  
  
[Isaac, Jenna, Mia and Garet are standing in front of the Giant statue of Kraden. A door in the legs opens, and Kraden walks out]  
  
Isaac: Wow. This is anticlimactic.  
  
Kraden: SILENCE! Who dares enter the boring presence of that guy who won't shut up: Kraden!?  
  
Isaac, Jenna, Mia and Garet: Kraden?  
  
Kraden: Took you that long to recognize me?  
  
Isaac: Not really.  
  
Garet: That line was in the script.  
  
Mia: Duh.  
  
[awkward pause]  
  
Kraden: Anyway, you've probably come looking for the awesome power that I possess.  
  
Isaac: Alchemy?  
  
Garet: The Schwartz?  
  
Kraden: Boredom!  
  
[Kraden holds up a ring. It isn't interesting in the slightest. In fact, you've probably seen about seventeen million other rings exactly like it.]  
  
Kraden: Behold the power of Boredom!  
  
[everyone else is asleep]  
  
[later]  
  
Isaac: So, what exactly is it that you do here?  
  
Kraden: Absolutely nothing.  
  
Garet: Why?  
  
Kraden: Have you looked at the budget? There's no money!  
  
Mia: Huh. I wonder why?  
  
Kraden: Lack of Moichendising!  
  
Isaac: Lack of Moichendising? What's that?  
  
Kraden: Well, Moichendising is where the real money from the parody is made.  
  
[Walks over to a wall. It opens to reveal absolutely nothing]  
  
Kraden: If we had Moichendising, there would be tons of stuff on this wall, Sunballs: The T-Shirt, Sunballs: The coloring book, Sunballs: the lunchmeat, Sunballs: the flame thrower, and Sunballs: the doll. If it existed, it would look like me. Adorable.  
  
Isaac: ...  
  
[Scene: Felix's bedroom. Felix is lying in bed, reading a book.]  
  
Angry audience: That's not how this scene goes!  
  
[What, you think I could convince Felix to do it the way it's written?]  
  
Angry Audience: We guess not.  
  
[The wall comes on.]  
  
Feizhi: Felix!  
  
Felix: Oh, hello Feizhi.  
  
Feizhi: I have an urgent message from Ivan. He's lost Mia.  
  
Felix: Excillent. Where are they?  
  
Feizhi: In the Lamakan desert.  
  
Felix: Tell them to cast reveal on the desert! Cast reveal on the desert!  
  
[Somewhere in the Lamakan desert. Ivan's troops are writing "reveal" on large sheets of paper, and throwing them onto the desert sands]  
  
Picard: Don't you think you're taking your orders too literally sir?  
  
Ivan: No. Don't be an idiot. [Through megaphone] Found anything yet?  
  
Soldier #1 (Played by Sheba): No!  
  
Soldier #2 (Also played by Sheba): We ain't found Shit.  
  
[Scene: End of chapter]  
  
Thalia: I keep telling you that isn't a scene.  
  
I don't really care.  
  
Thalia: I know. Review anyway! 


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